Hello, world! It’s been awhile. I find the adoption process is affecting my writing more than I thought it would. Our profile was shown to a family recently…the first time that has happened in the almost 14 months we’ve been waiting. Roller coaster really was the only word for it. It was hard to focus on anything else, especially blogging. We felt good about the situation, allowed ourselves to get excited.
I know some would say it’s better to remain emotionally detached throughout the process, and maybe it is. But, that’s not my way…I’m all in. I allowed myself to imagine what being picked would be like, what parenting this baby would be like.
Then, we weren’t picked.
Lots of emotions. Torn between feeling sad that we weren’t selected, sad that we’re back to where we’ve started – which is a very quiet adoption email account and blog – sad for the birth family that felt they needed to place their child for adoption, and feeling dumb for feeling anything at all because it wasn’t our child, we didn’t know much about them, and who gets attached over that? Me, I guess. Oh and toss in some Marfan-hating on top of that, because that’s what makes my body broken, or at least my ability to have a pregnancy.
(Most days I wouldn’t describe my body as being broken at all, but when it comes to my ability to bear children, then yup, it is.)
So, that’s where we’re at. Back to waiting and hoping. M, J, and I are spending spring break with my mom and sister in NC this week. The trip came at a good time, that’s for sure.