Today M had his first visit to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. After the appointment today I have temporarily hit my limit of hearing people who have had less than 10 minute interactions with my child saying “He doesn’t look like he has autism” or otherwise questioning his diagnosis (or just being dumb in general, like that EEG tech last year).

I promise I’m always polite and I do try to educate them about autism being a spectrum disorder, but there are always less than patient phrases running through my head that sometimes I’d like to say instead because those people are just being RUDE. So, here’s a list of some comebacks I’ve come up with. (Sometimes it’s a fine line between sarcasm and sounding bitter. Please understand I’m not the latter.)

“You’re right, after 10 minutes with my son you’re much more qualified than his team of therapists to make a diagnosis.”

“I didn’t realize they were handing out psych degrees to just anyone these days.”

(Grab M’s face and check his forehead, then yell) “Darn that tattoo artist! I guess the ‘this is what autism looks like’ tat wasn’t permanent, after all.”

“Oh, because he’s not flapping his hands or rocking back and forth? Yah, he only does that when he’s giving other babies autism. It’s contagious, you know.”

“Shhh…don’t tell anyone but we made the whole thing up for kicks and giggles. Fooled all his therapists but we couldn’t fool you. You get a sticker!”

What are some comebacks that you’d love to say, but don’t? They don’t have to be autism related!