It took 3 years, but I finally convinced my orthopedist to order me a custom back brace. I have a rare type of scoliosis, very flexible with a teenage onset and that continues to progress even as an adult. My specialist at Hopkins suggested bracing me 3 years ago to see if that had an affect on the progression, but my local docs always insisted on an off-the-shelf, one-size-fits-all corset brace. News flash: Men don’t have hips, but some women do and a brace that doesn’t flair at the hips isn’t going to fit such a woman. (You’d be surprised at how often [male] doctors tried to convince me that male and female bodies are actually the same.) Since these braces invariably slid off my hips and up my chest every day, I quit wearing them and my scoliosis kept progressing.

Anyway, my local, politically incorrect ortho wrote me a Rx last month for my very own custom, plastic back brace. Have you ever had one made? It involves wearing a skin tight, t-shirt material halter dress, which might be sexy if 1) it wasn’t totally see-through and 2) I had my pre-baby body of 5 years ago. So now that I’m feeling a smidgen awkward, two people come in and start wrapping me in strips of fiberglass, like I’m a giant 5th grade papier-mâché project. They were really nice about it though (mostly just glad I wasn’t a squirmy 5 year old or unconscious, the latter of which apparently happens from time to time since they wrap you really tightly).

This is me without my brace (curve: 40 degrees):

This is me once I’m braced.

It goes over the tank top and under my shirt.

Added benefit of the brace? “You won’t be able to eat those extra French-fries without loosening it up,” my doctor told me. He’s a winner, that one.

Now, I have a habit of naming things, and I think this brace needs a name. It also needs to be a masculine name because, as my friend Danielle put it, “He’ll be squeezing you tight and with you more than a stalker! He’s always got your back, and, just like a man, he is helping you feel good in the long run, but sometimes gets in the way and doesn’t look flattering with your sexy, slinky dress.”

Wonderful readers, I need your help choosing a name! So far all I can think of is Hugh (yum!) or The Situation (tell me you get the joke!). Please leave your suggestion for a name (or vote for one of those two) in the comments and I’ll choose a name in the next few days. I don’t really have any fancy prizes to offer, but if I choose your suggestion, I’ll link up to your blog if you’ve got one!

Below you’ll find some pictures of said super-sexy brace. He felt the need to show you just how awesome having a brace can be.