Musings of a Marfan Mom

The Boys Rate Oscar Fashion, 2016


M (7) and J (5) were PUMPED to critique Oscar fashion this year. In fact, J asked me to bring in a few more outfits than I was planning, because he wasn’t ready to be finished yet!

Mindy Kaling, in Elizabeth Kennedy:

M: Definitely a superhero dress!
J: That looks like a Power Ranger dress!

Heidi Klum, in Marchesa:

M: Fancy! It looks like an artist made that…a sloppy artist. I would give this the most weird emoji, if there were emojis.
J: Not cool. I don’t like that open part (points to the chest). I don’t like that there is only one sleeve that goes with it. I want it to have two sleeves.

Priyanka Chopra, in Zuhair Murad:

M: Looks like a lot of flour made that dress. I like that you can see her legs. I think that must mean it’s expensive, like $2,088.
J: I hate that because I don’t want everyone to see her underwear. I don’t like that she’s wearing no pants.

Orlando Jones, in Hollywood Larry:

M: Stylish! Like a bunch of metal leaves. It’s very interesting.
J: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! I LOVE that! I like the designs on his jacket and I love his bow tie and I love his hairstyle.

Alicia Vikander, in Louis Vuitton:

M: Her dress is like a meteor shower in the daytime! It’s also like Star Wars lasers falling from the sky, if the sky was yellow.
J: Ooooo! I love that one! It’s a banana colored dress! I also love her earrings. It’s awesome that it’s short in front and long in back.

Saoirse Ronan, in Calvin Klein Collection:

M: It’s like a sea cave. Her hair is good too…it’s fancy.
J: I like that the front of the dress is all sparkly. I like her earrings…both of them. In the back of the dress I like the things right there (bottom straps) and the ropes.

Cate Blanchett, in Armani Privé:

M: It’s like Cinderella covered with blue butterflies.
J: AWESOME! I love the fake flowers and her hairstyle and her lip jam (apparently that’s what he’s calling lipstick)

Charlize Theron, in Christian Dior:

M: It looks like fire! Why would someone wear an all-red dress? That’s just weird!
J: It’s red like blood. It reminds me of when Jesus died for us and gave us His blood.

Naomi Watts, in Armani Privé:

M: It’s like a disco ball with lots of colors. But you can’t see the disco ball because it’s not on there. Get it?
J: That looks like the Rainbow Fish!

Lady Gaga, in Brandon Maxwell:

M: I’m going to have to say “winner!” It looks like a rocket ship taking off!
J: Hahaha we found Lady Gaga! I hate this! I don’t like her lip jam! Not at alllll! I don’t like her white dress…it’s like the white crayon at our house that doesn’t show up.

Kevin Hart, in Dolce & Gabbana:

M: You win, because all the other men look the same! Except for Orlando Jones.
J: OOOOOOOO!!!! I like the glitter on the tuxedo. And I like the black on black on the tuxedo because black is one of my favorite colors.

Kerry Washington, in Atelier Versace:

M: It’s like someone is sticking their leg out of a white wall. The black lines look like broken bathroom pipes. And you know how I love bathrooms!
J: I like the leather on her dress

Jared Leto, in Gucci:

M: It’s like you’re in a video game and he’s a very handsome man but he has blood running down him. (Note: I have no idea what he’s talking about…we’re a Mario and Minecraft house!)
J: I LOVE that! He looks like a salsa guy. It’s meteor-sauce! The red pipes and the red flower I like, like I like meteors.

Rooney Mara, in Givenchy Couture:

M: She looks like a white, flowerly, stegosaurus.
J: How is she wearing any underwear?! I can see through the dress and there is a hole in it. I do like the open side. I’m glad it has two sleeves.

Michael Strahan, in Collection by Michael Strahan:

M: His suit color is like the top of the ocean.
J: Huh??? I saw that guy on TV. I love this color! I love the vest.

Tina Fey, in Atelier Versace:

M: The necklace looks like it has googly eyes on it.
J: Oh cuuuuute! It’s a cat dress!

Jennifer Lawrence, in Dior Couture:

M: Oooooo! Maybe a WITCH might wear that dress!
J: I don’t like it, because I don’t like all those things on the skirt. It looks like a Giant Creepy.

Chrissy Teigen, in Marchesa:

M: It looks like a lot of red airbags hit her all at once!
J: Awesome! I love it! There are so many glittery flowers on it! Hundreds! I like her hairstyle.

Brie Larson, in Gucci:

M: It’s as dark as lapis. That’s a stone on Minecraft. It’s like they cut lapis into a dress and put a belt of glittery stones on it.
J: I like the glittery belt and her hairstyle and the train on the costume. I don’t like the ripples.

Amy Poehler, in Andrew Gn:

M: It’s like alive at night! Like, all these butterflies are coming to eat on flowers in a CAVE.
J: (stares for a full 30 seconds, then falls down) Mom, I did that because this is SO. COOL. It reminds me of the Phantom of the Opera’s jacket!

M: Kevin Hart
J: Mindy Kaling, Orlando Jones, and ALicia Vikander (“I have a lot of favorites!”)

Least Favorite:
M: Charlize Theron
J: Priyanka Chopra

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  1. They’re better than Fashion Police! I agree with their opinions, but Chrissy Teigan’s picture doesn’t do her justice.


  2. Alicia Vikander’s dress was my favorite, so I say they both are good judges!


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