Musings of a Marfan Mom

M & J’s Oscar Commentary 2017

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The Menininho (8) and J (6) are at it again with their critiques. Some parental comments are sprinkled in. Let’s get to it!

Ruth Negga, in Valentino:


M: Too ordinary.
J: This reminds me of a cardinal.
Mark: Nice ribbon.

Naomie Harris, in Calvin Kline Collection:


M: Yah, you’re gonna wanna go buy something else.
J: I don’t like it. That big cut in the middle is ugly.

Ryan Gosling, in Gucci:


M: Hey dude…
J: OH. EM. GEE. I love it! I wish I had one of those shirts!

Brie Larsen, in Oscar de la Renta:


M: Why would you use a bunch of dead bats for your dress?
J: I love it! I love that curve in the dress. It’s awesome!
Mark: Oh my goodness, she looks like she’s being eaten by a giant fish!
Maya: The dress is fine, but that is some “I just stepped out of the shower and didn’t even comb it” hair.

Meryl Streep, in Elie Saab Couture:


M: I love it.
J: I kiiind of like it. There’s sparkles on it, but the rest is just blue.
Mark: It’s majestic.

Emma Stone, in Givenchy Couture:


M: It looks like you just robbed a bank. Give them back all that gold!
J: Where did you find the gold?

Hailee Steinfeld, in Ralph & Russo:


M: Hello Captain Underpants! Next time don’t wear a see-through dress!
J: Disgusting! I hate see-through dresses.
Mark: Flower nipples are not….NO.

Chris Evans, in Salvatore Ferragamo:


M: One of a kind! I like it!
J: I love it! I love this shade of blue!

Leslie Mann, in Zac Posen:


M: (side eye) Neeeeext!
J: I don’t know what to say! It makes me hungry. It reminds me of unripe bananas! It’s awesome!

Taraji P. Henson, in Alberta Ferretti:


M: It’s too ordinary. It doesn’t have enough color in it.
J: I don’t like cuts in the dress. It looks like the dress got murdered.

Dakota Johnson, in Gucci:


M: Your necklace looks like the logo from Mighty Minotaur on Lego Nexo Knights. I don’t know how to describe this dress but it looks cool.
J: She should have a bow in her hair, not on the dress.

Amelia Warner, in Emilia Wickstead:


M: Guards, throw her to the dungeon! The dress is so ugly it should be a crime!
J: Dalmation dress.

Pharrell Williams, in Chanel:


M: You’re the best man I’ve ever seen and I like your smile.
J: Snazzy! Especially the bow and the 3,045 necklaces!
Mark: At first I thought he was going for a musical staff motif, and then I realized it was just necklaces and so I was less impressed.

Kirsten Dunst, in Christian Dior:


M: The dress is too big and poofy.
J: The only thing I like about this is the necklace.

Jessica Biel, in Kaufmanfranco:


M: Good thing my eyes aren’t sensitive. Yikes!
J: Gaudy.

Chrissy Teigen, in Zuhair Murad:


M: Is that dress made of Elmer’s glue and then you got a bunch of confetti stuck to yourself?
J: Her dress looks like fireworks.

Viola Davis, in Armani Privé:


M: I like her wallet. I like the dress.
J: I don’t like the cut-off in the shoulders.

Dwayne Johnson, in Robert Mata:


M: High five!
J: Blue fuziness! I love it!

Halle Berry, in Atelier Versace:


M: Her dress reminds me of cities at night.
J: It got shredded by cats, or by Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Mark: Whoa. The hair and the dress are competing for attention.

Nicole Kidman, in Armani Privé:


M: Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA. You should REALLY not make a dress that’s your skin color.
J: I don’t like the pattern and I hate everything else.

Octavia Spencer, in Marchesa:


M: You + a weird bird = that
J: It looks like something is trying to eat her.
Maya: I’d like this more if the proportions were better…the skirt being up so high shortens her.

Janelle Monae, in Elie Saab:


M: Is it possible to catch night and put it on a dress? I love it!
J: LOVE. IT. Look at all those patterns! Awesome, awesome.

Best Dressed:
M: Janelle Monae
J: Emma Stone and Leslie Mann
Mark: Ryan Gosling and Meryl Streep
Maya: Taraji P. Henson and Janelle Monae

Worst Dressed:
M: Leslie Mann
J: Nicole Kidman
Mark: Janelle Monae
Maya: Naomi Harris, Jessica Biel, Dakota Johnson, and Amelia Warner. I could not narrow it down.

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